9 days in 1 post

We three Kings of Orient are... bearing tans we traverse afar...

Its been 9 days, 50 shades of pink, brown and black, 2 aeroplane rides, over 20 tube rides, too many cocktails, overdosing on sun and my first girls holiday.

Spain; Mijas to be precise, Mijas was incredible - so quaint and pretty, but Marbella (30 minutes away) wasn't what we expected!! Its great if you like paying €8 a cocktail, being chatted up by 12 year olds and where the busiest club is a gay bar. Oooh, pizza slice is only €2.50 though! - fresh too. mm.

I've been begged to write this blog post - it won't be easy fitting 178 hours into one post... but here goes!!

So, Spain it was, we were very lucky to be able to stay in our friends' apartment high up in the beautiful hills of La Cala de Mijas.

The wildlife wasn't so lovely - were talking frogs in the pool, loads of screams over killer, sorry "killer" wasps, a toad and when I say toad, I mean, like, a toad. And a cricket, that clearly loved us SO much it didn't want us to leave. It was huge, I - obviously being the bravest... - was told to sort out this cricket with its massive jumping legs blocking our only exit route - I was like ha no thanks so down two floors it was - in the lift of course as a dead frog was blocking stairs - to the car park, sorry the opening set in Saw I, II, III, IV, V, VI and VII. Don't ask how we managed to get out - I still can't remember.

nice tan!

We enjoyed Mojitos, mojito sorbet, Simon - heheheheee - ahh, sangria, pervy policemen, nice english ice cream shop owners, too much WIFI, red hot sand, blue sea, no lifeguards and enough rosé to take far too many photos. Don't go on my facebook.

As I basked in olive oil, some call it Piz Buin? fellow girls were burning in scorching heat - when I say burning I mean tan lines that look like a hand print, very odd. Now with my heritage - don't ask - I finished the holiday on SPF 6 Tanning Oil but still had SPF 15 on my face - who wants UV sun spots, wrinkles and sun damage? - not me! but Miss Ireland (pseudonym - not even from Ireland but would fit in nicely) thought it would be so wise to stick to the SPF 30, bless, feel for you babes! - it will brown x

Marbella, its not great - lets be really honest, its overpriced, shops aren't great "Où est le H et M?" (I know thats French, do I look like I even know a word in Spanish?!), but there was a Zara - 1 point - everyone goes because of that awful orange programme - The Only Way Is an Excuse to go to Marbs - has anyone else noticed they are always on a boat in that show - thats because Marbella isn't all "that" - "that" being nothing to begin with. Simmer the hype - old school.

We ate carbs in Marbs - is that allowed? We ate carbs before Marbs... because were sensible girls who know that not eating carbs means that the body will begin to store everything you eat and burn it off as sugar, meaning you will just get fatter - something like that anyway - Dr Delbridge?

Ok, so we went late in the "pardy season" but we expected a buz - yes? - no. Dead, ok, not dead, there weren't lots of flies everywhere but no where got busy till 12:30am! and we got to Marbella (pronounced MarbeLLa apps - the Spanish are SO common) at 9:30pm - haha, amateurs - but its ok, because there was Wifi...

I finished reading Oscar Wilde and started reading Charlotte Brontë, got into Kendrick Lamar - as in, started to like his music, obvs - "diiiiiive in", bought cheap, cheap vodka, made a "sex on the beach" cocktail out of vodka, apricot liquor, redcurrent juice and orange juice - 50% right, drank WKD - mate this stuff is better than Herbal Essences, cooked risotto with no stock - call me Jesus, had to put up with the next door neighbours smoking cannabis at ridiculous times and they had a young girl! - shocking, but the worst, the icing on the cake, the worst way to end the week (9 day week) was when it was announced: "SHALL WE WATCH HIGH SCHOOL MUSICL 3?!" - to which I laughed so much I fell off the balcony, not really but I wish I did, or I wish that Cady pushed my in front of a bus because that film is so CRINGEY, in fact, there is no word in the OED to describe it. I mean, really? - of course you're that obsessed with a girl, you will "drive" 1063 miles (or whatever was in that horrific song) to pick her up when she's told you she's not interested - move on boi, and of course you can just enter your school at midnight and sing "scream" (he sang "scream" - he didn't scream, oh wait, he did) and bump into your drama teacher, yeah whatever - and of course you're 18 and say goodbye to your girlfriend with a hug and of course - I can't even remember, I don't want to. All I know is that my cat could have written a better script and better songs and I don't even have a cat - basically thin air could have written it better. Awful. But - the good news, drum roll - the standard "how much weight have I put on whilst on holiday" - now, no joke it was about 9lbs when I got back from France - cheese and wine is just FAR too incredible - so it was the moment of truth this morning - 1lb everyone, 1lb! did everyone see that - So impressed with myself so I treated my mother to afternoon tea - ideal daughter over here. 

Ahh, so to finish with the best sentence of the week - "J'ai perdu mon sac a la gare" - say with a Chinese accent on "gare" - bien - Oui, plus français 

A few final tips from Ruth: 1. if you fly with Easy Jet, take ear plugs, not just because of the screaming babies and shushing mums and the noisy hostesses - or hosts (odd), equality and all that but because of the constant drone on the tannoy - "give to charity!", "blow into the tube to inflate!", "buy e-cigaretts", "Easy Jet BISTRO!", "*spanish words*" - how about YOU JUST DRIVE (or fly, what is the word to operate a plane?) AND I JUST TRY AND SLEEP?! 2. I have a great friend who can get a great price on hair braids. 3. Don't leave your mobile phone in your pocket when walking through a security gate, or leave a bottle of water in your bag! (ahh, fun and games eh). 4. Don't have a dog allergy if you arrive into Gatwick, or don't carry drugs in a pregnancy bump (was the woman for real?!) because those black four legged sniffing canines will smell every part of you and nuzzle their nose everywhere and not have to ask first!. 4. Spanish chicken isn't great and DO NOT drink the water - sad moment with carrot juice and tap water comes to mind. aw. 

Ahh, 

I don't know any Spanish so I'll finish in Afrikaans - my native language 

lief vir julle almal

and for the common English - "I am your father" 

Lol jk. Love you all! 

RHS x