What the North has taught me

As a country bumpkin in the heart of Derbyshire ("There is no finer county in England than Derbyshire" - Miss Bingley, Pride and Prejudice - yes I went there)  going to the outskirts of Middlesbrough for University was rather a scary thought - but amazingly exciting - I'd always wanted to live in a city - I thought. 

Ahh how to talk about Middlesbrough - the locals are friendly, one once told me where Topshop was (how nice!) ... I'm sure there's more things... 

Anyway... I've lived there for a year now and am currently back in Derbyshire (or London, where some people believe I live - I'm just far too posh darling) and I've been thinking about what I have learnt from the North because I can assure its definitely a learning curve going to another part of the country. 

For example:

Nights out in Newcastle

The Quayside - Newcastle

"Why are you wearing flats? We're going to Newcastle - GO AND CHANGE YOUR SHOES!" - standard conversation several seconds before boarding a taxi to Newcastle. 

Never EVER EVER wear flats to Newcastle - unless you want to blend in with the students and ugly people - that's what I was told. 

Students (I am told) stand out in Newcastle on first arrival - they are white (people in Newcastle look like slight relations to South Americans, or that popular fizzy drink... ah, Tango), they wear flats - deary me, poor souls they don't stand a chance. 

There's a saying in Newcastle "go high or go home" - After one treble in Bijoux I'll pick home please #lightweight 

Getting ready for a night out 

(this is entirely what I have learnt + some added because I'd missed "loads" out) 

It takes me about 2 hours to get ready for a night out (from shower - changing my flats to heels).

Only 2 hours because THANKFULLY I was blessed with that natural fake tan that renews itself like, every day really. I have a constant tan - weird I know. 

2 hours - I got laughed at, when at about 7pm the night before we were due to go out I couldn't find several of my friends because they'd already started prep. 

26 HOURS BEFORE WE WERE DUE TO LEAVE - I kid you not. 

The schedule for a night out (I believe this is an extreme, depends how much (many) you want to pull - I should have quoted that, I didn't say that) 

Friday Night (going out on Saturday night)

1. Shower
2. Hair
3. Tan 
4. Blow dry hair (upside down - make it BIG!)

(my friday night would have included going to the gym so I could wear a crop top on the Saturday night - then potentially watching Love Actually with Ben and Jerry - old friends, not the ice cream - obvs)

Saturday Morning (were getting there) 

1. Shower (I'm guessing watch tan go down the drain to leave a golden goddess - hmm)
2. Put on more tan (South American - Tango)
3. Go into town to buy a new dress (about midday apparently), buy new shoes.
4. Get nails done - full set of acrylics (who said the North was cheap?) 
5. Bye 2 sets of eyelashes (after all, who wants to see your eyes anyway? - its dark) 

Saturday Evening (I'd be having a nap if I had done this much on a Saturday yawn)

1. Shower (do not get hair wet! - friz was never in fashion)
2. Get dressed
3. Tan on face (Tango - down right there is no colour to give you any hints at what colour) 
4. Foundation (Tango-pasty?!)
5. Bronzer - And I mean a lot (Tango - mad colour - pasty - glittery bronze) 
6. Always a smokey eye (to cover the eyelash glue) 
7. Straighten hair and curl (I'd recommend a sturdy heat protection spray) - but no poodles please
8. Backcomb hair - "must be poofy" 
9. Must wear heels (here we go again) 

Are we ready to go yet? - jeez.

Were finished. Moving on...

Phrases - a.k.a. another language 

When I asked my friends what they learnt from the North, general answers included free drugs (oh dear), the accent (or complete new language) and "mums on tour" - think we got a bit side tracked. 

Anyway, wow the accent. HAHA, I thought learning French was difficult but this is like crazy to understand. 

"Why aye" - did I spell that right? - this means... actually I have no idea what this means, sorry. 

Bijoux - with a local Geordie (and friend!)

- one treble too many.

"Flanter" - this is flirty banter, usually with the opposite sex and you don't know you're doing it but everyone else notices - surely not!

"Shanter" - this is sh*t banter, if you need any tips on Shanter just ask me, I'm the best at it haha. 

"How way" - was that spelt right? - this means like "come on" or "come on man" - Geordie's say "Man" a lot - even to a girl, I was really shocked at this behaviour.

AND. 

this is the best they say "Master" like "maRster" but "Bath" is just "Bath" not "baRth" - freaks I tell you - best to avoid the Geordie in their natural habitat. 

Other things you need to know

Do not go to Goldies in Stockton on Tees, unless your name begins with a G and ends in reg. Its full of "dirty old women" - Wait, just don't go to Stockton-on-tees in the first place - good idea. 

A Parmo is great if you want to die of coronary heart disease precisely 5 hours after eating - Ok, I've not seen it happen, YET anyway. There are only some places that make the best Parmos - or its best to ask LB to make you one. Its chicken (sorry, "chicken" with béchamel sauce and cheese, like a lot of cheese...)

So far the best takeaway we have found is Malones in Middlesbrough (they do the best cheeseburgers! and Pizzas - yes I actually had half a pizza after one night out, I spent 2 hours in the gym the next day and could still notice I'd eaten it.)

The boys love themselves (boys, never lads in Newcastle), love themselves sometimes too much. I believe they are called "spice boys" because they are cinnamon sweet. haha, no they pluck their eyebrows and probably use an eyebrow pencil and have more fake tan on then girls and wear the lowest cut tops I have ever seen - I have to look away, far too much skin on show.

Durham Cathedral and Castle - a beautiful part of the North East

Never go to Sam Jacks in Newcastle, ever, even if you're a boy I really wouldn't recommend it. I was warned and walked in, my eyes were horrified I was stuck to the spot and just about managed to sprint back out - never to look back. I'm still recovering. 

Ahh the North East, my second home (although the Dr's surgery is adamant its my first home, hmm not sure how I feel about that). A different culture to what I know here - as Daisy (our cow) looks at me from the field, waiting to be milked and Mary the sheep sleeps and Lady Gaga the Rabbit digs a burrow (which do you believe?) - but definitely a culture in its own right and the people are very friendly! 

Southerners should give it a try before they buy - they could probably buy Newcastle with their monthly income. 

IF THEY WERE A BILLIONAIRE HAHAH. 

its a great place! 

Happy travelling and Geordie-ing 

RHS x 

p.s. Dinner or Lunch?

 Lunch, agreed? agreed.